Not Enough


I've had a hard time writing this summer.  Maybe you could tell.  People read this thing now and it can be scary.  No, not throngs, I have no grand delusions there, but enough that it makes me think twice before posting, well, anything really.  

Will someone be offended?  Will it come out right?  What about so-and-so who I know thinks differently?  What about that person who will use whatever I write as ammunition to hurt me? Why would I write about that?  What if it's too perfect looking?  Too goofy?  Too serious?

So I shut up.  I post pictures of my kids and superficial thoughts from my days, memories I want to keep and store and would rather remember than the bleeding mess that is my heart lately.  
Let's just not go there today.
Oh, it's not that I think people shouldn't write about the hard stuff or that I am necessarily afraid to admit my weaknesses and wounds.  Lord knows I have enough.  And I'm not afraid to tell all about it over a cup of coffee, at least, if I think it might help (and we got the trust thing going on).  I just don't have the words lately.  They somehow disappeared along with the time.  The mediocre words that used to be there, even those have been stolen to the point of tears.  And gosh, it smarts when you get a few squeaks out and someone uses your vulnerability against you.  The theft repeats.

It's been a hard summer.  A summer of questioning and struggle, a summer where it feels like I'm quite literally fighting a battle and where I can practically feel the scalpel on my heart scraping away at my attachments.  At the very same time it's been a summer of hope and depth and relationships and love.  I don't understand how it can be both ways but yet it is.  

Through it all the whispers do their whispery whispering thing.
Not enough
Not enough
Not enough
They invade every thought, every conversation, every relationship, every post, every prayer.  
NOT. ENOUGH.

I cannot be enough.  
I want to help, but I can't.  I want to be included, but I don't fit.  I want to share, but I'm shut down.  I want to see, but I'm blinded.  I want to succeed, but I fail.  I want to celebrate, but I'm pulled right back down.  
My heart aches for those who are suffering so much more than I ever will.  What can I do?
The chorus repeats:  Not enough.

I fall again into His arms and tell Him how much I know I am not enough. 
I know it, Lord.  Oh, I know it so hard.
And once again He reminds me.  No, darling, no you're not.
I am.
I am Enough.


27 comments

  1. I've had the same summer, same year. I'm never enough. I always feel guilty...anxious. All we can do is leave it all at the altar, the foot of the cross, over and over again.

    St. Monica, pray for us.

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    1. So so true. The more I realize I am not enough, the more I abandon myself right there at the cross. And perhaps that's right where He wants us.

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  2. I just found your blog this summer and have loved so many of your posts! This one is beautiful. It has been a hard year for me too and even though it is hard there has been so much beauty and blessing too. Keep on writing! God bless.

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  3. "I am enough".

    These are the exact words God was telling me this Monday at Mass. I mess up so badly. My heart aches with my desires for myself, my husband, my family. It is this extreme act of trust, letting Jesus be my all. Yet that is becoming my daily prayer. I am constantly asking for graces. It is hard but I daily make my act of trust in God and that is the only way I have peace.

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    1. Yes. I read something recently about how our desiring (and having to wait and suffer) is a good and holy thing and how it increases our capacity for Him. Actually, it was from St. Augustine, today's saint!
      "So by delaying (his gift) God strengthens our longing, through longing he expand our soul, and by expanding our soul he increases its capacity. So brethren, LET US LONG, because we are to be filled...that is our life, to be trained by longing; and our training through the holy longing advances in the measure that our longings are detached from the love of this world."

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  4. Oh Mary{{}} I totally GET you, I feel like I'm always writing what I call my 'fluff' posts cause I worry too. I think of great things I want to discuss but I might offend, might start a troll war, has all been said better by bigger and better people. Just wrote my first deeper thought in months and really it was safe (I think;)
    Any I often think HE is the only one who will not disappoint us.

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    1. He IS the only one who will not disappoint. I don't like that :) Such a hard painful lesson to learn but one that increases our desire for fulfillment through and in Him. (I'll have to go check out that post now!)

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  5. loved those last four lines! i 'know' it to be true in my head, but so hard to know it in my heart and put my trust in Him!

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    1. Yeah, not sure when it'll stick in my heart either :)

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  6. ugh. that's the worst voice. The 'not enough'. It reminds me of the struggle I have had my whole life, between hope/despair. The 'not enough' is the motto of despair I think. Prayers for you my friend.

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    1. Thanks, Mary. I'm not sure which it is this time, to be honest. I in my pride need that reminder lately. That I'm not the Savior and that life can carry on just fine without me. But at the same time, I then let it take over into you're not worth anything and don't matter all that much in the grand scheme. The devil's tricky like that, taking a truth and twisting it all out of whack. God, please help me see myself as You do.

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  7. Beautiful post! It's all for Him, Mary. All for Him. Keep your heart with Him, your eyes, your ears, your keyboard. If He wants you to write, then write. If not, offer it with joy. If you are writing in a place of anxiety... don't write.

    You are all I need, dear Jesus. ALL. Everything else is a means by which I can draw closer to You or drawn away from You. Please help guide my discern which paths lead to You and to go forward without fear. Amen.

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    1. Amen. Thank you, Melody. I always have trouble discerning what is God's voice/work leading me into or away from something and what is the evil one putting obstacles in my path to prevent me FROM doing what God wants me to do. Which sounds kinda crazy. I'd love to have a great spiritual director to work through all of it!

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  8. Beautiful, Mary. Thank you. I "get" you so so well.

    Wish we lived closer....would looooooove to chat over tea. Thanks for a lovely post.

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    1. Oh, wouldn't that be nice?? Maybe it's not deep but that is one of the things that excites me about heaven...having all the time to be with all the people and share and be together in a greater, fuller way.

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  9. Mary, my prayers are with you and all us mothers today! We live in such a harsh world filled with sin that is just ready to jump at out hearts at every corner. I, for one, am so glad you share. I love your thoughtfulness that always shines through. Despite the suffering and trial you've been experiencing, I feel that one thing is for sure - you have a beautiful and gentle heart that yearns to do good and to love. Such a gift and such a grace! Prayers! And how I wish we could go out for margaritas... or coffee to chat and be women and mothers together! *hugs*

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    1. Thanks, Amanda :) If we ever get to meet in person, I'm gonna hold you to that margaritas offer!

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  10. We are fighting the same battle aren't we. I just want you know how much I've appreciated your support, your prayers and your family as an example to guide mine =)

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    1. Thanks, Molly. Prayers continue. I wish I could do more.

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  11. I've, too, been dealing with the message of "enough" lately...but from a different angle. For me, it's been God asking, "Am I enough? If I took everything away from you....would I be enough?"

    I certainly want Jesus and a good marriage and healthy kids and safety and comfort... But if everything else was stripped away, and it was just Jesus...would that be enough?

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    1. That's a lot of what I've been hearing, too. My desire to BE enough answered with His real Enough. Can I let Him be who He says He is? It's not something I really want to learn, I admit :)

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  12. Mary,

    I know we don't know each other well, but reading this was like looking at the written form of the thoughts that pervade my mind and soul on a basis much more frequently than I would like to admit. You are most definitely not alone in your struggles, and I will keep you in my prayers.

    McKenzie

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  13. Thank you for this honest and beautiful post!
    Your children are incredibly blessed to be home with you.

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    1. Thank you, Lisa. I hope so, though it sure doesn't feel like it some days :)

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  14. Just now reading this excellent post. So true, so very true. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way! I battle these same thoughts all.the.time.
    Love your honesty and beautiful faith!! God Bless!

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