(Or Why I Loved My Doctor But Love My Midwife More)
Everyone's circumstances and needs are different so in no way do I think that everyone needs to make the same decisions that I do. But I thought I'd share some of my reasons why after having a doctor for our first two births, we chose a midwife for the birth of our last two babes. I've found that many women still don't know that a midwife is a real and valid option for them. Many still don't even know what a midwife actually does! So I present you with some of the reasons our family loves our midwife:
1.
Let's get this one out of the way first. She is a medical expert. People hear the word midwife and think Bohemian skirts, burning sage, and talk of auras. They don't necessarily think of someone who has gone to school and been trained for years in the practice of birth and woman care. A midwife knows what to do in an emergency and often knows more than one way to do it. Often, she knows the optimum circumstances to get a baby born with the least amount of intervention and very often she knows things that doctors don't. Midwives often work in hospitals or they have their own practice. They are well educated and professional. And some of them happen to wear skirts, burn sage, and talk of auras.
2.
Appointments with my midwife last at least an hour. That is time spent with her, not her staff, her waiting room (she doesn't have one...there is no waiting), or some other midwife in the practice. I'm there to see her and that is who I see. There is time and freedom to ask questions, to chat about things totally unrelated to pregnancy and birth, to develop a friendship.
3.
She's a woman. Oh, I know, sexist! Strap on your controversy hat.
Men and women are different. There I said it.
I had a male doctor attend the birth of my first two children. He was wonderful and very supportive of natural birth and even attended home births. Awesome. I remember telling myself during exams that it shouldn't matter that this was a man doing it...he's a professional and this is a health matter. It's not weird that there is a man all up in my business. It's a medical exam and that's the end of it. Any feelings of being uncomfortable were my own issues.
It has only been in the last few years (and after having a woman provide care) that I've begun to think that it is incredibly weird to have men routinely attend births and perform well woman checkups. It's also a very modern development in relation to the rest of history. I now believe with all my heart that birth is not just something biological. When a woman is giving birth it is one of the most intimate moments in her life. It's emotional and spiritual and physical and social. Writing that now it seems obvious. It's not just some business transaction. For that crazy intimate moment, I've learned I much prefer to be under the care of another woman. A woman who gets it. Besides, birth or not, we are body AND soul united...we can't just disconnect from the fact that there is another man, not my husband, in places that it's weird for another man to be.
With my last two babies I had two different female midwives. There is a difference. While my male doctor was awesome, my midwives were compassionate and open and understanding and empathetic in a way that no male could ever be. You're not going to find a male doctor who truly KNOWS what it feels like to have a wrong-sized speculum placed in you or that understands why I may not want to be a chatty Cathy when there are fingers in places I would much rather there not be. A man is not going to GET what labor feels like. Ever. A man can not know the absolute physical NEED for a woman to hold her baby right away.
A man will never ever ever understand what it is to be mother.
I could never go back to having a male unless (of course) it was in some emergency situation. And that's okay because compared to all of the world's history THAT is what is normal.
I once had a conversation with someone about this and she had the exact opposite take. When she had a female OB come in during a birth to check her, she hated it and felt like it was SO WEIRD that a woman would be looking in those places because it was such an intimate thing. But a man who was not her husband was okay. Strangest conversation ever.
(Again, this is just my experience and opinion, they don't have to be yours.)
4.
All that said, that doesn't mean I don't want a man to attend the birth. I want my husband to be that man. And my midwives have always been incredibly respectful of that relationship and the tremendous capacity for bonding that birth holds. I've seen doctors push husbands out of the way when it's time for the baby to emerge. My midwives were completely okay (and encouraged) Brian being right there to catch and give the baby to me (obviously as long as things were proceeding normally). My doctor did do that as well, but that is sadly not the norm. Brian was a part of the process and our midwife worked with us before the birth to discuss how involved we wanted him to be.
5.
She knows what normal birth looks like.
Would you believe that most OB medical students and doctors HAVE NEVER SEEN AN INTERVENTION FREE BIRTH? It's true. That's like a GI doctor never having seen someone eat a normal meal or an orthopedist who has never seen a healthy person run. If I'm hoping for a normal natural birth, I want someone there who knows what that looks like. There are very few doctors that have seen a woman birth a baby from start to finish without the aid of professionals or medical help, the way she's done for centuries. Doctors by nature are there to treat anomalies and that's a good thing. But many doctors are trained to see birth itself as an anomaly and an emergency, and the only training they know is to jump in to "treat" the birth, even when it is going just fine on its own.
Midwives believe differently. In the midwifery model of care birth is normal unless proven otherwise. She knows what's abnormal but just as important, she knows what's normal.
6.
She welcomed my other children at appointments and didn't mind that they asked questions, wandered around her office, and didn't make everything efficient. Every appointment David would want to be right next to me while we were listening for the heartbeat and she would pull the chair on over and help him climb up. John Paul would help hold the Doppler. She knows all their names and would chat with them about their latest interests and ask what was new with them at every appointment.
7.
The use of a midwife dramatically lowers your chance of a Cesarean (9.9% vs. 32%!) and LOWERS intrapartum and neonatal mortality rates. (Read here, here, and here.)
8.
That oxytocin thing. When a woman is in labor and gives birth naturally her body is flooded with oxytocin. One of the primary functions of this hormone is to emotionally bond a woman to whoever she is with. It's released during orgasm, labor and birth, and during breastfeeding. This flood of oxytocin is one of the reasons that some women don't like the practices of their doctor but have a hard time 'breaking up' with him or her. Maybe you'll think I'm a weirdo but I think as a married woman I feel more okay with being bonded with my female midwife who knows me, remembers me and who I consider a friend rather than a male doctor who has to check his file in order to remember my name. I know. Weirdo.
9.
I feel completely comfortable calling her by her first name. It makes me feel like we are making decisions together and that we are on the same footing. Oh, she definitely knows more than I do by far and she is the expert in the room, but I feel like she values the role of mother more so than if I had to use a title of respect (implying authority) before her name.
10.
We knew that she would be the one attending the birth. Not another partner in the practice or whoever was on call from the group. It would be her. It's sad that women interview doctors and find someone they are comfortable with even discussing birth plans at length only to then have no control over who shows up at the birth. Sometimes someone they have never even met. It doesn't make sense. When you're working with a doctor it should be that doctor that attends the birth but unfortunately, that isn't the case. By hiring our midwife we knew that it would be HER at the birth.
(Midwives do have a back up but that is reserved for emergency circumstances.)
11.
She can also provide care outside of pregnancy and birth. So if I need to see someone for other women's issues, I can go to her. This also applies to someone who uses an obstetrician for their births...you can still go to a midwife for other care.
12.
I don't need a birth plan. I'm an advocate for birth plans in many cases. But when your care provider knows you well and their standard of care is based on a natural mindset, then there's not usually a need to type up and print out a birth plan. We talk through our desires and plans and then she remembers. It's pretty sweet.
13.
She helped me diagnose a B12 deficiency that had gone undiagnosed with every other pregnancy. I told her some of my complaints all of which I had been told were "just pregnancy." She opened up a few books during our appointment and figured out that it could likely be a B12 deficiency. I began taking high doses of B12 and my pregnant life was changed (no dizziness, lightheadedness, crazy breathlessness? yes please.).
14.
Continuity of care. A midwife is fully qualified in newborn care. This means that my midwife performed the first few checks of our babies to make sure everything was normal. Not only does it just make things easier but it means that the person providing the care is intimately acquainted with the circumstances of his or her birth. Which is actually really important. (Note: This isn't usually an option in most hospitals because of their (silly) protocols segregating maternity and newborn care.)
15.
Home visits. After the baby is born. Because have you ever tried bringing three little children and a newborn to a doctor's appointment??
16.
I fully realize that there are wonderful doctors and there are not so wonderful midwives. There are midwives in name only who basically work as a doctor's assistant. And there may be doctors who do some or all of these things I've discussed. That is awesome. But it's fair to say that in many areas, those doctors are few and far between (if they exist at all) and that midwives as a whole offer this kind of care much more routinely. (Again, this is just my experience.) I believe that every woman should have the information available to make the choice with which they are most comfortable. And every woman should know the options available and if one of them is an awesome midwife, then she has a right to know that. If you haven't been happy with the care from your current provider, perhaps you may want to consider a midwife.
May we all choose the provider that will treat both us and our precious little ones with the care and dignity we deserve.
For other moms out there:
If you used a midwife, what did you appreciate most?
What led you to choose the provider you did?
Do you have any regrets over the provider you chose? Feel free to share!
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Let's get this one out of the way first. She is a medical expert. People hear the word midwife and think Bohemian skirts, burning sage, and talk of auras. They don't necessarily think of someone who has gone to school and been trained for years in the practice of birth and woman care. A midwife knows what to do in an emergency and often knows more than one way to do it. Often, she knows the optimum circumstances to get a baby born with the least amount of intervention and very often she knows things that doctors don't. Midwives often work in hospitals or they have their own practice. They are well educated and professional. And some of them happen to wear skirts, burn sage, and talk of auras.
2.
Appointments with my midwife last at least an hour. That is time spent with her, not her staff, her waiting room (she doesn't have one...there is no waiting), or some other midwife in the practice. I'm there to see her and that is who I see. There is time and freedom to ask questions, to chat about things totally unrelated to pregnancy and birth, to develop a friendship.
3.
She's a woman. Oh, I know, sexist! Strap on your controversy hat.
Men and women are different. There I said it.
I had a male doctor attend the birth of my first two children. He was wonderful and very supportive of natural birth and even attended home births. Awesome. I remember telling myself during exams that it shouldn't matter that this was a man doing it...he's a professional and this is a health matter. It's not weird that there is a man all up in my business. It's a medical exam and that's the end of it. Any feelings of being uncomfortable were my own issues.
It has only been in the last few years (and after having a woman provide care) that I've begun to think that it is incredibly weird to have men routinely attend births and perform well woman checkups. It's also a very modern development in relation to the rest of history. I now believe with all my heart that birth is not just something biological. When a woman is giving birth it is one of the most intimate moments in her life. It's emotional and spiritual and physical and social. Writing that now it seems obvious. It's not just some business transaction. For that crazy intimate moment, I've learned I much prefer to be under the care of another woman. A woman who gets it. Besides, birth or not, we are body AND soul united...we can't just disconnect from the fact that there is another man, not my husband, in places that it's weird for another man to be.
With my last two babies I had two different female midwives. There is a difference. While my male doctor was awesome, my midwives were compassionate and open and understanding and empathetic in a way that no male could ever be. You're not going to find a male doctor who truly KNOWS what it feels like to have a wrong-sized speculum placed in you or that understands why I may not want to be a chatty Cathy when there are fingers in places I would much rather there not be. A man is not going to GET what labor feels like. Ever. A man can not know the absolute physical NEED for a woman to hold her baby right away.
A man will never ever ever understand what it is to be mother.
I could never go back to having a male unless (of course) it was in some emergency situation. And that's okay because compared to all of the world's history THAT is what is normal.
I once had a conversation with someone about this and she had the exact opposite take. When she had a female OB come in during a birth to check her, she hated it and felt like it was SO WEIRD that a woman would be looking in those places because it was such an intimate thing. But a man who was not her husband was okay. Strangest conversation ever.
(Again, this is just my experience and opinion, they don't have to be yours.)
4.
All that said, that doesn't mean I don't want a man to attend the birth. I want my husband to be that man. And my midwives have always been incredibly respectful of that relationship and the tremendous capacity for bonding that birth holds. I've seen doctors push husbands out of the way when it's time for the baby to emerge. My midwives were completely okay (and encouraged) Brian being right there to catch and give the baby to me (obviously as long as things were proceeding normally). My doctor did do that as well, but that is sadly not the norm. Brian was a part of the process and our midwife worked with us before the birth to discuss how involved we wanted him to be.
5.
She knows what normal birth looks like.
Would you believe that most OB medical students and doctors HAVE NEVER SEEN AN INTERVENTION FREE BIRTH? It's true. That's like a GI doctor never having seen someone eat a normal meal or an orthopedist who has never seen a healthy person run. If I'm hoping for a normal natural birth, I want someone there who knows what that looks like. There are very few doctors that have seen a woman birth a baby from start to finish without the aid of professionals or medical help, the way she's done for centuries. Doctors by nature are there to treat anomalies and that's a good thing. But many doctors are trained to see birth itself as an anomaly and an emergency, and the only training they know is to jump in to "treat" the birth, even when it is going just fine on its own.
Midwives believe differently. In the midwifery model of care birth is normal unless proven otherwise. She knows what's abnormal but just as important, she knows what's normal.
6.
She welcomed my other children at appointments and didn't mind that they asked questions, wandered around her office, and didn't make everything efficient. Every appointment David would want to be right next to me while we were listening for the heartbeat and she would pull the chair on over and help him climb up. John Paul would help hold the Doppler. She knows all their names and would chat with them about their latest interests and ask what was new with them at every appointment.
7.
The use of a midwife dramatically lowers your chance of a Cesarean (9.9% vs. 32%!) and LOWERS intrapartum and neonatal mortality rates. (Read here, here, and here.)
8.
That oxytocin thing. When a woman is in labor and gives birth naturally her body is flooded with oxytocin. One of the primary functions of this hormone is to emotionally bond a woman to whoever she is with. It's released during orgasm, labor and birth, and during breastfeeding. This flood of oxytocin is one of the reasons that some women don't like the practices of their doctor but have a hard time 'breaking up' with him or her. Maybe you'll think I'm a weirdo but I think as a married woman I feel more okay with being bonded with my female midwife who knows me, remembers me and who I consider a friend rather than a male doctor who has to check his file in order to remember my name. I know. Weirdo.
9.
I feel completely comfortable calling her by her first name. It makes me feel like we are making decisions together and that we are on the same footing. Oh, she definitely knows more than I do by far and she is the expert in the room, but I feel like she values the role of mother more so than if I had to use a title of respect (implying authority) before her name.
10.
We knew that she would be the one attending the birth. Not another partner in the practice or whoever was on call from the group. It would be her. It's sad that women interview doctors and find someone they are comfortable with even discussing birth plans at length only to then have no control over who shows up at the birth. Sometimes someone they have never even met. It doesn't make sense. When you're working with a doctor it should be that doctor that attends the birth but unfortunately, that isn't the case. By hiring our midwife we knew that it would be HER at the birth.
(Midwives do have a back up but that is reserved for emergency circumstances.)
11.
She can also provide care outside of pregnancy and birth. So if I need to see someone for other women's issues, I can go to her. This also applies to someone who uses an obstetrician for their births...you can still go to a midwife for other care.
12.
I don't need a birth plan. I'm an advocate for birth plans in many cases. But when your care provider knows you well and their standard of care is based on a natural mindset, then there's not usually a need to type up and print out a birth plan. We talk through our desires and plans and then she remembers. It's pretty sweet.
13.
She helped me diagnose a B12 deficiency that had gone undiagnosed with every other pregnancy. I told her some of my complaints all of which I had been told were "just pregnancy." She opened up a few books during our appointment and figured out that it could likely be a B12 deficiency. I began taking high doses of B12 and my pregnant life was changed (no dizziness, lightheadedness, crazy breathlessness? yes please.).
14.
Continuity of care. A midwife is fully qualified in newborn care. This means that my midwife performed the first few checks of our babies to make sure everything was normal. Not only does it just make things easier but it means that the person providing the care is intimately acquainted with the circumstances of his or her birth. Which is actually really important. (Note: This isn't usually an option in most hospitals because of their (silly) protocols segregating maternity and newborn care.)
15.
Home visits. After the baby is born. Because have you ever tried bringing three little children and a newborn to a doctor's appointment??
16.
She's just plain kind and treats me with dignity and love. I've had experiences in doctor's offices of being talked down to and laughed at. I've had to wait over an hour for an appointment whereupon I was seen for ten minutes by a doctor who never once looked me in the eye. She is extremely gentle with exams and always lets you know what she is doing. Being around kind people always beats out the alternative. Especially at such an important and special time in a woman's life.
I fully realize that there are wonderful doctors and there are not so wonderful midwives. There are midwives in name only who basically work as a doctor's assistant. And there may be doctors who do some or all of these things I've discussed. That is awesome. But it's fair to say that in many areas, those doctors are few and far between (if they exist at all) and that midwives as a whole offer this kind of care much more routinely. (Again, this is just my experience.) I believe that every woman should have the information available to make the choice with which they are most comfortable. And every woman should know the options available and if one of them is an awesome midwife, then she has a right to know that. If you haven't been happy with the care from your current provider, perhaps you may want to consider a midwife.
May we all choose the provider that will treat both us and our precious little ones with the care and dignity we deserve.
For other moms out there:
If you used a midwife, what did you appreciate most?
What led you to choose the provider you did?
Do you have any regrets over the provider you chose? Feel free to share!
